I love women. Lord. My life would not possibly be complete without them. The Big Guy up there really outdid Himself in creating woman; a wonderfully beautiful addition to this planet, and to our race as a whole. Exquisitely delicious, I shit you not. Warrrrr…

I savor the feminine. I like the way women smell, the look in their eyes. I like the soft feel of their skin, the sound of their laughter feels special in a way that a man’s laugh just doesn’t, we appreciate little feminine gestures like the way they twirl their hair in their fingers or the way they pull their legs up beneath them on a chair, they way they look in nothing but a shirt, they way they breathe and react to touch… When you feel lust for a woman and feel it completely. When you open your heart to feel the fire in your loins. That want, that need, that urgency to merge, to consume, to be consumed…

This write up is about women, for women. I can no longer bear to idly sit by and watch as countless females make consummate fools of themselves, or seem stuck with no knowledge on what to do about themselves, men and “relationships”. Therefore, in the spirit of giving back something to this world that has been so kind to me and flooded me with, um, er, abundance, here is my treatise upon the fairer sex, for the fairer sex.

This year on Valentine’s Day, I helped to organise a singles party. I’ll be the first to state that I hate Valentine’s Day with a passion; I think it’s a foreign concept heartily embraced by brainwashed Kenyans, to the sheer delight of businesses that capitalise on it. In fact, when they invent time travel, I’ll go back in time and murder St. Valentine in his childhood, smother the infant in its cot. Yeah I said it. But I digress. At this particular singles party I noticed that the number of women was far more than the number of men. Other similar parties reported the same. Then the other day, I read of a proposal to legalise polygamy, so as to allow Kenyan men to marry more than one woman. The proposal is, surprise surprise, supported by quite a number of females. Also, among my friends, family and acquaintances, I have noticed that the men seem more at peace with their sex lives and their relationship status.

I’ll speak for Nairobi, and to the women that live here. The female population outnumbers the male. Then, out of these males, a certain number are all-out losers. Another percentage are gay. Yet another percentage are ‘saved’ or religious or believe in some form of celibacy. Others are laser-focused on their careers. The list goes on and on. Therefore, the number of eligible men to date is far less. Out of these, the number of men that are the crème de la crème a.k.a the Alpha Man is much smaller. The realistic (intelligent) woman thus realises that in such a field the odds are incredibly tipped against her. Ergo, she has to bring something extra to the game in order to come out a winner. Here are some tips, gleaned from a lifetime of observation and experience, on that extra that a woman (in this city) should strive to achieve:

Blondeness.(a.k.a Dumb ass chicks) Look around, being pretty is not enough. Pretty chicks are all over. In fact two things I’m sure Nairobi is not going to run out of anytime soon is pretty women and teargas. Now, you don’t have to be an MBA holder, an actuarial scientist or a medicine student. (I’ve met some pretty dumb med students, by the way) But you have to be able to hold a meaningful conversation about a few things. Don’t be like that chick that was heard saying that Kenya should go to the Hague, because “it would be good exposure for the country, like going for the Olympics.” What? God gave you a brain, use it. Show some sign of higher intelligence. You know, the kind that animals don’t have. Learn a skill. Make me laugh. At the very least, learn how to read.

Clinginess (a.k.a get a fucking life). Before we met you were doing just fine. Now you want us to spend every waking moment together? I’ve got my own shit to do. And I’d like to do it on my own. Or at least not with you. Just because we are dating doesn’t mean we are Siamese twins. Hang out with your girls from time to time. Cultivate a hobby. Do something that doesn’t require my presence. And don’t nag. Never never nag. Jesus.

Neediness/Desperation. There’s few things as scary as a woman that wants to settle too fast. We’ve just begun spending time together. Maybe we’ve fucked a couple of times. We’ve known each other perhaps a few weeks. Do you have to spoil it by pressuring me into an exclusively monogamous relationship? And that question, ati “What is this we have?” If you don’t know why should I know? Who told you that you have to have a boyfriend? Why do you want to have a boyfriend so bad? Do you think a man will complete you? Maybe you should discover yourself first? Hell you might even find out that you are actually a Lesbian?

Givers v Takers. You’ve gotta ask yourself, what value are you bringing to the Alpha Man’s life? And don’t just say sex. We can get that like, anywhere. Ask those sex boycott people. (Were they really serious, by ze way?) Do you add to him? Do you even get him a gift from time to time, surprise him? Dinner, pints, small things? He should do the same for you, by the way.

Gold diggers. Okay. We live in the third world and things are tough. But they are tough for everyone. The Alpha Male can smell a gold digger from a mile away. The things you say, the kind of questions you ask, the things you insist on. It doesn’t mean that just because you’re a gold digger we won’t fuck you. We’ll flash the cash for a few days, then hit it and split. And don’t hate or dharau the broke guy… Look in his eyes, listen, he’s got that ambition Broke today. Wealthy tomorrow, I tell you. It’s a sad day when women with university degrees are heard saying that “…my man must be able to provide for me the same lifestyle that my parents did.” Or some similar balderdash. Why can’t you provide it for yourself? Why did you go to school then? Go play in traffic, you brain midget. Better still, play on the highway. I would suggest Mombasa Road. Excellent width.

Feeling fly/Hard to Get. Check out the nightspots in this city. See how many women have needless airs. Constantly frowning, a.k.a Sura ya ndimu. Ask anyone who’s spent time in Tanzania or Uganda and they’ll tell you the difference with here. Why come to a social spot to be angry and aloof the whole night? Si ungekaa home ufanye hivyo? Same applies to other places where humans interact. Halafu, the playing hard to get thing is so passé, it’s so last millennium. Yes you are a woman. Yes you’re beautiful. You are unique. Just like everyone else.

For ladies who are single and searching:

Biblical ways of getting a wife:

On why men need to cheat:


-Philip Walubengo

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