I am twenty years old as I write this. Nkaissery has just died so you can backdate. If you are reading this, it means we have already broken up. I am sorry.
By now, questions are racing through your mind; whether I am writing to apologize, why this letter was preplanned… I know you loved me. Of that I can safely bet and ascertain. I know this because you at some point decided I was the kind of guy you would wanna be and probably even spend the rest of your life with. I find that lovely. Not in a sarcastic way but in a really honest and serious way. It is not easy to allow some stranger to make an entry into your life and make their actions mean the world in yours.
I told you I love you, didn’t I? But sadly, no. I lied.
Many of us lie. We lie to survive. We lie to be ourselves. We lie because we are afraid of lying to ourselves. And I told myself I loved you over and over till I finally believed I did. And that was when everything went wrong. That is when our relationship spiraled downwards. But why? You ask. And how?
As I write this, I have come to the acceptance that maybe love isn’t for everyone. Maybe not all of us can love another person in the purest ways they deserve and ought to be loved and appreciated. And if you cannot, why should you waste thine time trying something you awfully suck at? Why should I look into your eye every fleeting second telling you I love you yet deep down I know I do not and if I did, it is not in the way you deserve it.
Heck, there is no right way of loving someone so there is no way of screwing it either.
That I didn’t do more than hug you in public should not make you think less of me. Holding of hands never happened I am certain but hey, I want you to believe that for that fleeting moment we were together baby, we were infinite. I have never experienced love so I have nothing to compare it with and is probably why we never did some things because I like to think there were better things about you other than holding your hands.
You deserve to know that there exists far greater things about you than what can be exchanged or reciprocated through love. You are a great human being, yes. You don’t need an assurance of love to know what you are. You should see the world in you each time you look into the mirror. And yes, despite all that I am sorry you and I didn’t and couldn’t work out. And I know me telling you this at this time is wrong instead of when we were together but it still is a good day to die hard.
I will never chance upon another woman as you and I will regret breaking up with you if I haven’t already and thank you for not wrecking my life. Sorry, I cannot say the same about you because I know I already have and this should not be me trying to do it in the right way. Is there even a right way of clearing a heartbreak?
I miss you sometimes, I feel alone. But no, go on and get married and experience life by yourself.
I used to think, I do not have enough money to hire me a girl that can proudly say she is my girlfriend but at least you came along and we hit it. That matters. Guys are insecure about money and stuff. That a girl that would not stick around when one is broke is not worth it, but what if she sees through your ambitions and knows when you will come across heaps of money and sticks around? Is that a gold-digger or not? But fuck it, money is dust.
I hope that by the time you read this, I’d have made you an avid fan of Khaleed Hosseini. Each time I read his stuff, makes me wanna turn to a Muslim!! Yeah, shoulda by now have read Coelho too, where the fuck am I wandering to?! You get me though, right?
And for all the times I didn’t say “I love you” back despite the urge you had to hear it back, I am sorry. Boys, are not like girls. We do not always feel the need to say it back nor hear it. We do not always feel a need to show our friendship. I knew it would hurt you, but I knew it would prevent further and deeper hurt.
I broke up with you because I care.
I didn’t want in future when I talk about us, it’d be in the form of my wife, my child(ren) and my unhappiness.
I believe if you want to really keep a free soul like mine, you have to take charge of everything. Forcefully. It doesn’t matter whether he is the Alpha Male in his Squad or anything but you have to show the man you are in control. Yes, it might make him appear weak in front of his friends and all, but he will never complain to you. Because he knows he needs that in order to stick around. If you are reading this, you let me get distracted too much. I do not know whose fault that is but let us blame it on Cupid for not stretching his bow string hard enough. You ought to be felt as a point of authority in your man’s life, you own him!
You are a queen though, despite everything. Never exchange that for anything.
I understand that after this, you will look for ways to relieve your pain and probably replace me but do not do toxic shit. Create things. Channel the energy into something people will appreciate and want to be associated with. No need to suck some shit simply because they promise you heaven on earth. Come back to our hell, but I won’t be there. Just in a different section or Hell department.
You get the vibe.
Sorry for us never lasting.