You Cannot Keep up with his demands.
By Dannie Wambui
I previously didn’t know from what point I should approach this then decided, fuck this shit. The wind will align everything.
“My in-laws had been staying, and the strain of having to be the dutiful, doting daughter-in-law in a too-small apartment, with Zach still in diapers and Avi a colicky newborn, had proven too much for me. I’d fled to the laundry room trying to pull myself together, but as soon as Morayo asked what was wrong I’d burst into tears. As sometimes happens with the unexpected kindness of strangers, I found myself telling her everything. I told her how inadequate I was feeling, for it seemed that no matter how hard I tried I would never be good enough for my in-laws: never lady-like enough, never subservient enough, never educated enough, but most of all, never “Indian enough”. It was the latter that bothered me the most until Morayo reassured me by saying, ‘There’s no such thing, darling, as being “Indian enough”, no such thing as one Indian culture.’ And because she was the same age as my in-laws and because she’d lived in India as well as in Africa, I trusted her.”
Excerpt from “Like A Mule Bringing Ice-Cream to the Sun” by Sarah Ladipo Manyika
There have been and is an ongoing silent campaign by men to push a certain ideology on what women they want to qualify as “marriage material” and what not. They have been putting down a breed of women that is independent, well-read and opinionated. They want a woman that conforms to the standard they, and their relatives, have set and is filled with 1970s ideas. A submissive woman, an obedient woman, a woman who only speaks when spoken to and whose place is nowhere but the kitchen with the children whose sole purpose is to be seen and not heard, a woman who believes that the “most powerful position is on her knees,” women that do not smoke, do not party and other boring hogwash. But men must be told, since when did their validation matter?
Methinks, the men of today, are growing afraid. They know they are losing out on their last resort, sex. Women are no longer content with putting up with bad sex, we know our worth. It is 2017, and if a man cannot give you the orgasm you desire, you pack up and leave. There are women out there who will provide amazing sex! We do not have to fake orgasms anymore, we are women!
Men are afraid, constantly, of missing out on a woman who worships on their feet and equate them as demigods and in return, they have retreated to “cavemen” ideologies to push into womenfolk and other people maturing now taking advantage of the low esteem of some of our young womenfolk. We must not allow this!
You do not have to change what you are to make yourself “Marriageable,” that is the biggest lie our parents peddled to us. Because:
Women do not have to be saints!
Women do not have to be angels!
Women do not have to be honest!
Women should never be silenced!
Women must be heard!
Women must be seen! (Fuck the kitchen!)
Women do not have to be kind!
Women are allowed to be violent!
We are tired of being sidelined and oppressed by both our parents and men. We cannot keep on getting conditioned on how to act “ladylike” or how to be a “good wife.”
Marriage cannot be used as a gauge and SI unit to define “success” in women. More than half of married womenfolk are stuck in sad marriages because they were deceived into it, were forced into it because of a child or insecurities or were simply forced upon it by their parents who see men as the greatest security a woman can lean on. This is not 1906 where a woman was barely allowed to hold office or work, we have even more rights and a larger voice. Marriage is a trick and deception point to cement the oppression meted on women through the centuries. Once you trick a man, or one tricks you into the shit, live by his terms only when he fulfills yours. Speak your mind. Place all cards on the table and if you do not click, dump his ass. We cannot continue to live in toxic marriages or toxic relationships for the sakes of marriage, I mean come on. It is fucking 2017, no?
We also cannot be party to this ideology that, “if a woman stays long enough, she is a good woman.” You do not have to stay in a relationship with a manbaby or kidult when he is not committed in order to make the self-appear “faithful” et all, if a man does not appreciate you as you are, he is not going to change for anything in the world. Do not live up to his expectations, you show him you worship him and he will cheat on your ass and dump you for another woman yet you did all the work in creating the man he is. They want to be “put on” but leave you on the trenches once they make it.
Did you see on Press Pass, aired on the night of 4th September, how Lorna Irungu made women look good? Find that episode. She did good rolling her sleeves and thrusting the bat to the men. That is the type of woman who we all should be. And that is the type of woman men tell us they won’t marry, but who cares, middle finger to them yooh.
There should be no rules on how the marriages should function.
Marriage is not going to complete any woman. Complete you then you and your partner will work your shit together. And do not be afraid of stepping into uncharted territory, because for a fleeting moment, each one of us has to be Alice and peek into the rabbit hole.