I am not a bad person for the way I reacted. I know that is the general idea she has and will probably tell her friends and the world. The reason is as simple as it is complex. I do not like huge gestures of love. Because it means I have to do the same in order for my partner to feel appreciated. Not only that, I have to be consistent with it. And such are trifles I cannot and will not engage in.
‘Jenny?’ I called from the bedroom.
She came in nearly the selfsame instant. Matter of fact, too quick – like she’d been there in wait.
‘Yes baby.’ I thought we talked about this, I thought to myself.
‘Uuum, what is this?’ I asked the letter on her face.
‘I wrote you a letter H.’
I know it’s a letter! The words were literally on my tongue.
‘I know, but what the hell? You know I do not like these things!’
‘Well, is it a crime to remind you how much I love you?’
‘I know you do. I do not need reminding Jenny; I do not have a fixation on love or anything. I do not need constant reminding on who is there for me and who is not. I am comfortable with the silence. Okay?’
Well, at least she got it.
‘And besides, this poem sucks.’
Okay, this is weird. I wanted. No, needed her to respond so that my ramblings are heard. Otherwise, with no acknowledgement and fighting, it means I have been fighting none by myself. Right? It is like the sun shining and no plants blooming and the darkness not receding. We all want to be seen and nothing else after all.
‘Horace, I have tried everything.’ Oh now she has words. ‘I have never held your hand in public not displayed any affection and have done nothing save play by your rules. But now I am tired. ‘
‘Jenny,’ I wasn’t about to let this get out of control.
‘No Horace. It is my turn to talk this out.’
Shrug shoulders. I mean…
‘Before we moved in together, you were buying things for both of us; your house and mine. You were furnishing your cave to the perfect abode. But now, you don’t buy anything for this house. You even sometimes spend nights away even in the company of no one. It is almost as if, you have no interest in being in this house. I am tired of sleeping in hotel rooms yet I have my own house H. why don’t you make this house your home?’
‘I often feel as if you are a guest here and with that comes the fear that one day, I will no longer wake up to the face of you besides mine. I am afraid that you do not have anything to keep you here and will then find no reason to be here.’
‘Jenny, you know you do not mean that. I am always here and always will be for you. You do not need to panic.’
‘H, you and I know that there are no anchors in this relationship. Before there were, but ever since we moved in together over a year ago, it is as if you and I are nothing but roomies who are having sex. I do not want that.’
I hope she was done.
‘Look, the decision to move in was certainly done….’
‘Don’t you dare H! Don’t you fucking dare talk down on it yet it was nothing but your own idea?!’
‘Hey, you didn’t even let me finish.’
I mean, can’t a man be his own lawyer and jury in peace, God?!
‘That’s because I am not about to fall victim to your sneaky charms in this H.’
Well, ain’t that a bummer.
‘You told me you wanted and wished someone, anyone at one point in your life mailed you a poem written from their heart. And I did that, and what’d you do? Throw dirt on it! What do you want H? I am tired of you and everything.’
Well, she’d come to hunt and that’s for certain.
‘You think I wanted that?!’
‘it is my fantasy Jenny. I don’t want it coming alive. There are things in my mind that I don’t want touched. I want them to stay exactly and precisely there and as that; fantasy. Nothing more and nothing less, okay? I didn’t want you doing things for me that ii would freak out upon or you do not want to do or feel are compelled to simply because we are together. You being here is enough. That is all I need and want from you, okay?’
But would she get this? Won’t she think I loved her less once I started with this?? I mean a lot of people live their lives insecure, on the precipice of “does s/he love me or not?” was she immune to it? I mean, I personally was well aware of the illusion that romanticized friendships were but was everyone around me similar to me?
‘I guess so Horace. Just don’t make me think to myself whether you love me or don’t. it is enough torture that you barely acknowledge me as your partner.’
Wow. I hurt her this much?
Maybe we never realize how much we hurt people until they put their thoughts in words. And even then, we choose what to listen and how to translate their words. Sad.
‘I – lo – love… you.’ There.
‘CHRIST! OH MY GOD HORACE!!!’ next thing I know, she was all over my face and front body. ‘you said it. You fucking said it! I can’t believe it. Wow.’
Ain’t this disheartening?
‘well, can you not make a big deal out of this.’ She always made a big deal off this when it especially came to feelings. Like that time we went to the theatre to watch a Doll’s House. She bawled about a whole month.